It’s hard to maintain a drug addiction and buy nice things on benefits. We all know from reading the Sun newspaper that some people make millions and live in mansions on welfare, but for most it’s a case of skipping food and watching daytime TV while you wait for the sweet kiss of death. Therefore it is better to actually get a job so that you can do things with your life. For those who have taken the plunge into modern slavery here are some tips on how to make the most out of a shit job. Obviously all jobs are different so we have had to generalize somewhat, but we hope this will be of some help to you.
.
WHAT ARE THE EASIEST LOW WAGE JOBS?
.
Cleaning work is often very easy and a great one for the slack ass crew. Kitchen work might be a little tougher but you should be able to get free food and become fatter than that kid you used to rip on at school. Factory work is easy but you will need the ability to turn your brain off and it helps if you speak polish. Supermarkets are massive cunts but you should be able to rip them off hard with the old ‘this has busted packaging’ blag and get all your food for free. Any job that pretends it is a ‘career’ is going to be bullshit, unless it’s well paid and something you want to do, ovoid it like the fucking plague.
.
STEAL THINGS FROM WORK
.
They pay you the least they are legally required to and they don’t give a shit about you. Why not top up your earnings buy stealing their stuff? Everything they own was bought off the back of your hard work so it’s sort of yours anyway. It will depend where you work as to what will be available but anything is up for grabs. The trick here though is not to get caught, be sneaky and always go to work with a bag. If you work somewhere that they search your bags then putting nice things in the trash that can be collected later might work. Also, you can break stuff just enough so that they throw it out or damage the packaging, it might need a little fixing but its free.
Be aware that stealing money from work is going to be very hard, most of the time it isn’t going to be worth it but there are ways, you need to make sure that the money you take isn’t going to be missed so for example, if a purchase isn’t put through a register and the company does not know of the sale then maybe you could make a quick buck, but like I say, it’s dodgy and only worth doing if you are sure.
For these and all blags it’s worth knowing where the cameras are at work, get to know and look in the office where they keep the monitor to see what exactly they can see to find blind spots.
.
KNOW WHO YOU CAN TRUST
.
Someone at work might seem real sound but you will be surprised how cuntish people can be to get ahead in the workplace. It’s always worth being on your guard when blagging work. The best way is to keep your exploits to your self but also, if you feel it’s required, dragging people down to your level and getting them in on the action will mean they simply can’t tell on you or they will be telling on themselves.
.
LEARN WHERE TO HIDE
.
As soon as you start a job get to know the layout of the pace, look for those tucked away places that no one ever goes, these will be your sanctuary. Finding places just outside of work will help you ovoid supervisors who have dealt with your kind before.
.
SLEEP
.
The best way to kill a few hours is to sleep. You probably feel like shit from the weekend so why not get paid to catch up on some Z’s? You will need a good place to hide and make sure you don’t give yourself away by snoring.
.
TAKE DRUGS AT WORK
.
Now that you are bringing in some cash you should be able to afford something to make the day that little bit more fun. Drugs are a great way to make any situation better and we highly recommend you take them at work, especially if you work with heavy machinery or children. But what drugs are good for working on? Weed is the obvious stable, it makes time stretch out a bit but keeps your brain thinking of enough bullshit to entertain you. Ovoid being caught out with red eye by getting some hay fever eye drops, sunglasses are good for hiding the effects of many drugs (or the drugs you did the night before) and try to not give the game away by saying ‘dude’ too much.
If you work in a factory then speed is your friend. It will keep you awake and able to operate for the full 9 hours of bullshit they expect from you. The only problem here is you might work too hard and get a promotion. Getting a promotion in a factory is like being employee of the month in that you are both a winner and a looser at the same time. Valium isn’t going to help you unless your job is to sleep. It depends on where you work and how high your tolerance is as to weather its a good idea to take ketamine in the workplace. It can be fun if you do something where you are left alone, but if your job is in anyway complicated you might find it actually makes the experience less fun than you thought. Just make sure you have a mirror to hand so that you don’t get caught out with ghost spunk around your nose. Ecstasy might work for you if you have a job in a pub or club but no one wants to tell their boss about how much they love and respect them, you will probably get fired for dancing to the sound of checkout bleeps anyway and being horny at work can have a lot of potential unwanted outcomes. That said…
.
MASTURBATE AT WORK
.
This might be more one for the boys than the girls, but hay, we are an equal opportunities organisation and will not be implementing a glass ceiling on what people can do to blag their jobs. There is nothing like getting paid to wank, but don’t get caught as it can be frowned upon in some professions. You may never work with food again and if you do it around children you will end up on a list of ‘winners’.
.
LONG TOILET BREAKS
.
It might smell like the massive shit the next person has taken, but it beats doing whatever it is you are getting paid nearly fuck all to do. Phones have come a long way so why not chill with a movie or facebook and get paid for it?
.
GET PAID TO NOT EVEN BE THERE
.
You might be surprised how many jobs you can just sign in, quickly run through your duties and then fuck off for a few hours before returning to sign out.
.
BE GOOD AT YOUR JOB
.
The best way to get away with things at work is if the bosses think you are good. It’s worth spending the first month at any job actually doing it well, I know this sounds crazy and at odds with the rest of the article but trust. Not too well or they will expect that level from you forever, but just well enough so they like you. once they like you they will tend to leave you alone and once they have in their minds that you are worth having around, so long as you do just enough to maintain the lie you will find they can become blind to how shit you really are.
.
THINK BEFORE YOU ACCEPT A PROMOTION
.
Sometimes its worth going up the ladder a bit. Better pay and less work but don’t be fooled, most of the time the pay is only slightly better and you will have to work much harder with less opportunities to be slack, plus when those below you are reading this and being slack it will be you that gets the blame.
.
DON’T BE A JOBSWORTH
.
No one likes the jobsworth at work because they are always the person who has nothing better in their life than a shit low wage job. If this is you then kill yourself. You have failed at life and no one loves you. It’s your moral duty to rid the world of yourself and the misery you bring everyone who has been unfortunate enough to meet you.
.
DON’T WASTE YOUR LIFE
.
Who knows if we only live once but even if we live a million times you can’t evolve while you are held a slave to the system. They may take your time and they may give you a pittance of a wage but they can never own your mind. Remember, time is the most valuable thing we know of, you can never get back even one second of it and yet we are forced to swap it for less than £7 an hour. And to those who did well at school, didn’t spend college stoned and went to university and actually did their degree without getting so pissed they forgot what degree it was they were taking… FUCK YOU! You are still a slave, you are just better payed.
.

Here for your reference is a post about what we look for in the music we put out..
.
– DOES IT HAVE TO BE GOOD?
.
We often get asked the question “do you just accept any old crap?” and although it might seem like that, the answer is in fact no. We do however pride ourselves in being slightly different to other labels. As we have openly declared war on all mankind we have taken one of our main principals from the art of war. To defeat an enemy you must take all the rules they live by and break every single one. Some labels pride themselves on only putting out the best, well mastered and high quality music. We say fuck that! There are other labels you can go to if you want over produced “art” with a sense of elitism. For us it’s about supporting the under-dog as well as finding people who are masters in their craft. If supporting a producer/band/artist in the early days when their stuff is still a little ruff around the edges means they go on to master their sound like the big boys then it’s worth doing. Also, peoples early work has qualities that are often lost as they progress, like the difference between a idea sketch and an inked drawing. we will suggest improvements if we feel people need it and we do have people who know how it’s done to provide help and tips should they be needed. but ultimately it’s up the the producer when their work is finished. so long as it has a quality to it we like we will put it out. Many of us grew up in the punk scene and still carry that ethic into our rave misadventures. we like ideas and passion over perfection.
.
– WHAT GENRES OF MUSIC DO YOU LOOK FOR?
.
Other labels like to stick to one or two genres, again not really what we want to do. Does the world really need another jungle label? another oldskool label? another (whatever) label? There are already labels you can go to if you can’t handle the idea that people might like more than one sort of drum beat. We understand this risks us becoming ‘jack of all trades master of none’ but, well, the best labels in each genre tend to already exist, so until Long Live The Animals creates a new genre (animal disco hop-core coming soon) we feel it’s best for us to support whatever the fuck we want. We started out with Jungle and the harsher end of the dance music spectrum but will be pissing people off no end with random releases of stuff we feel has the Animal Spirit. We will try and make things as confusing as possible, but don’t fear, we will always be putting out Junglistic Rave Music.
Genres we look for…
– JUNGLE – Amens a plenty, ragga vocals if you like (not as mandatory as some people might think) heavy bass and if possible, an air of originality. although we do accept it can be too tempting just to find an old dub tune and let the jungle remix write it’s self. We love all forms of jungle so if you make it let us know.
– BREAKCORE/TEK/GABBA – We have all been to frenchtek and watched a french girl pee off the top of a transit van. We do promote the harder end of rave music and the only real criteria for this is that you repeat a 4×4 kick drum until peoples eyes bleed. Melody actually works well if you find the time. Breakcore has come along way since the experimental days of 2005. Again it never hurts to think outside of the box, tunes that stand out are the ones that make new ground. I am not sure there is any new ground to be made in gabba but at least your tune will go down well in Europe.
– OLDSKOOL/BREAKBEAT HARDCORE – Rave wouldn’t be where it is now if it were not for the oldskool hardcore movement. Respect where it is due. We love the old piano and female vocals but remember that it wasn’t all about the classics, it was about creating new noises people could dance too on drugs. Oldskool can be harsh and dark as well as light and cheesy.
– BASS MUSIC – This covers Breakbeat/Bassline/Ghetto Funk/Glitch Hop/Electro and other things of the nature. We started our love affair with rave music through Breakbeat so are very keen to bring it back, even if no one wants us to. We also like all the others mentioned and many sub-genres but what it all boils down to is this.. is the tune fat? does it have an awesome bassline and will it make girls like us? if the answer to these questions is yes then we will probably accept it.
– DRUM AND BASS – We did wonder if the world needed another drum and bass label. We figured No but have done it anyway. It’s not looking to be our main focus but we will accept dnb if we likes it. We have been mixing it since the first time it was cool to like it and do appreciate music that can be listened to in a car park. Again we would like to find stuff that has something the other 27 gazillion dnb tunes don’t have, but we are unsure if that is setting the bar too high.
– LONG LIVE THE ANIMALS RECORDINGS – This is an offshoot label where we put out music of the not so electronic sort. All sorts of Bands and Hip-Hop considered for this. With bands we just look for something, a spark if you will. We look for a punk attitude but you don’t have to be a punk band. At the end of the day we can’t really tell you what we want, but we will know when we hear it. Feel free to send demos if you wish and we will let you know. As for hip-hop. We are not really looking for Chav MC’s, we want artists who know what they are talking about and don’t just write songs about how big their dick is. Rappers who sound like they have actually seen a dictionary and don’t think a thesaurus is a dinosaur should send us a demo.
.
– DO I HAVE TO SHARE LONG LIVE THE ANIMALS BULLSHIT BELIEFS TO BE ON THE LABEL?
.
No.
.
WHAT DO I GET FROM BEING A PART OF LONG LIVE THE ANIMALS?
.
Well that depends. The more people engage with us the more we tend to do for them. You are welcome to be as big or as small part of what we do as you like. We firmly oppose the old label model where labels kept a strangle hold on their artists. The most important thing we offer is the fact that YOU ALWAYS OWN YOUR MUSIC. We don’t assume ownership of any songs given to us, you are always free to give them to any other projects you see fit. If albums are sold we make a percentage (negotiable depending on circumstances) but we don’t take “royalties” if you get it play somewhere. Nor do we try and change you or package you to a youth market. If you are not the package we want we just won’t pick you up in the first place. We will obviously promote you, but to the people who will like you and without the need for you to change what you love in the hope it will make more money. If you are into music for money then you are not what we are looking for anyway. We will also try and get you gigs and let you play at our events, although we will point out to bands that we aren’t your manager (we can be, but you will have to pay us loads more and let us do coke of your groupies tits). You will be included on our website and we will do as much as we can to support you. At the end of the day the more you work with us the more we will promote you.

1796539_269144026586285_563216365_n

LONG LIVE THE ANIMALS will be reppin’ hard at this years BALTER FESTIVAL. Not only will we be doing a 4 hour takeover but we also have loads of crew dem playing for other systems and labels. The full list of llta crew dem playing is…
Our 4 hour takeover will feature; Drake Mallard B2B Mark C (Oldskool Set) / Hamsta (Oldskool & Jungle) / Dubious B2B Black Orchid (Jungle) / Terry Sun (Jungle & Breakcore)
Those playing for other labels and systems are; Womble (Digga) / Ali Monsta (Digga) / Mandidexterous (Amen4Tekno) / Osh-kosh (Jigsore) / Humb (Jigsore) / E-Coli (Jigsore) / DJ Fuk (Jigsore) / Raggamortis (Digga) / Figcake (Jigsore) / Katch Pyro (Erisian) / General Waste (Erisian) / Omen Breaks (Monkey Dance) / DC Slinks (Monkey Dance) /

1525348_10151829253927551_267441960_n
.
Here is the write-up…
.
Balter Festival is a three day event held in the grounds and buildings of a stunning stately home in South Wales, well within two hours drive of Bristol. We have brought together some of the best live bands and DJs from the international underground music scene for this extremely exclusive event.
.
Balter offers four decor laden stages featuring projection mapping, VJs and Void sound systems through out that will be smashing out the best in ska, hip hop, reggae, gypsy, klezmer, punk, rock, jungle, breakcore, ghetto funk, electro swing, bashment, grime, juke, DnB, techno, hardcore, hardtek, bassline, old-skool, and good old fashioned cheese.
.
As well as the huge line up you will also find a swimming pool, ball pit, circus & walkabout acts, funky stalls, free camping, great food, and a whole load more fun and games.
.
Tickets on sale now from Bristol Ticket Shop –

http://www.bristolticketshop.co.uk/eventdetails.aspx?e=5162

.
Line up:

MAIN STAGE…

The Destroyers
Dizraeli & DJ Downlow
Dead Players
Cut Capers
Split Prophets
Captain Hotknives
Tyrannosaurus Alan
Shire Roots & Blazenstein
Smokey Bastard
Largo Embargo
Mad Apple Circus
Surfin’ Turnips
Zuri Aura
The Big V
The G.S.C
DJ Frenchy
Oh Henry

THE ARENA: This cavernous indoor arena is being taken over each night by a different promoter showcasing the best in up and coming electronic music. Expect the eclectic.

**FRIDAY – SWING CITY**
One of Wales pioneering nights for Electro-Swing, Ghetto Funk, Dutty Riddims, Manic Mashups and Festival Fun times. Mixing up those classic Speakeasy anything-goes-behind-closed-doors vibes and ideals and bringing them crashing into the modern day. With their decadent decor, barmy performers, mind bending set designs, crazy visuals and a big fat dollop of bass, we’re very excited to have them kick off the weekend!

Dutty Moonshine
Odjbox
C@ In The H@ ft live sax
DonJohnston ft Leo Wood
Swing City DJ’s

**SATURDAY – ERRORJIG**
An evening of hype and chest-poundingly heavy UK bass, garage & grime.

Kahn and Neek
Flava D
Riffs
Bizarre Rituals (live A/V show)
Haslem

**SUNDAY – DIGGA & FRIENDS**
Somerset’s Digga Soundsystem have been smashing the south west rave scene for years with their wobbley basslines and morning cheese. Tonight they are bringing along a few special friends..

Spongebob Squarewave
Kanji Kinetic
Ali Monsta
Womble
Dick

**JIGSORE SOUNDSYSTEM**
The infamous Devon crew known best for breaking everything will be bringing the best jungle, techno and core all weekend

I:gor (Live)
Remarc
Hyper On Experience
Jerome Hill
Stazma The Junglechrist (Live)
Mandidexterous
Fexomat
Wan Bushi
Acrnym
Killabomb
Computer says
Osh-kosh
Humb
Spacedocker
Sebby-T
Aplin8
e-coli
DJ Fuk
Gizmode
J-Man
Raggamortis
Vicious Matter
Wit?!
Drake Mallard
Marc C
Hamsta
Black Orchid
(dub)ious
Terry Sun
Figcake
Subindex
Iller Instinct
Dook Nookem
Neotr1x
Bet Middler
King Bolo
Sharkman
Panda

THE DRAWING ROOM: Celebrating the best in new underground rave music from around the country, curated by a different soundsystem crew each night, and hosted in a small dark room, things are going to get sweaty…

**ERISIAN**
Brighton based ragga-jungle-hardtek-DnB-gypsy-moombah mash-up smash-up

Katch Pyro
C3B
Pastaman
General Waste
Thrackh
Ook
L Mutant
Test Tube Rabies
Fucknose

**MONKEY DANCE**
The fun-lovin’ Bristol crew bringing the freshest junglist vibes

Dub-liner
Omen Breaks
Lady Lox
Major Upset
More or Less
Lemongirl
DC Slinks

**RETOX SOUNDSYSTEM**
Taking it back to the old school for the Haldon Hill crew!

Markutz
The Bidiots
Poptart
Rinse Charles
Wrekz HZ
.
TICKETS HERE!!

.
FACEBOOK PAGE HERE!!

.
1507627_269143673252987_564623642_n

1966846_10202562667781403_677193114_n

Normally we just like to let the humans get on with destroying themselves, but often some of the things they do are so retarded that they just might kill us all. We can’t fight a war against humanity if we are all dead now can we? Wars are complicated and sometimes we must work with the enemy in the interest of the greater good. That’s why we have set up this night to raise funds for both human and Animal Warriors who are on the front line against the globalist elite and their police security guards.
For more information on fracking see links at the bottom of the page.

Expect underground rave music played underground.
Breaks-Oldskool-Jungle-Shaolin-Breakcore-Shire-Death To The Filth Tek.

10 – 11 – JEDTEK b2b DRAKE MALLARD – breakbeat set
11 – 12 – CHRIS EL – breakbeat set
12 – 1 – MARK C – oldskool hardcore set
1 – 2 – AL BONG – oldskool jungle set
2 – 3 – TERRY SUN – shaolin amen set
3 – 4 – CRUMPERS – shire ragga set

LINKS TO FRACKING INFO…
There really is no end to the good work being done to expose this horrific push for profit over life. there is no bigger crime than ecocide. Big respect to all those who have been fighting this evil and a massive fuck off and die to any policeman who has sided with power instead of the people.

We plan to give any money raised to NO DASH FOR GAS to reward their efforts in the fight to far.

http://frack-off.org.uk/

No Dash for Gas

https://www.facebook.com/frackfreebristol

https://www.facebook.com/groups/FellowFractivists/

MORE INFO ON LONG LIVE THE ANIMALS…

http://www.llta.pw/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/309753495747408/

As there seems to have been a little confusion as to our ethics and where our money goes I thought it might be worth just making this formal written post to explain it all. I think some people might have confused our “10 ways you can save the world” with some sort of llta mission statement, which it isn’t, it’s just a list of 10 ways you could save the world. I will also mention at this point that our code of ethics are optional for our “fans” and producers as its not up to us to tell you how to live. We never wanted to be an organisation that preached to people so you can take or leave these ethics as you see fit. just because you don’t agree with our politics doesn’t mean you can’t just enjoy the music, after all, you don’t have to fuck children to appreciate the work of Michael Jackson, nor do you have to offer to suck of policemen in public toilets to enjoy the music of wham. It is however the industry standard to be a creepy pedophile to enjoy the music of psytrance. But each to their own.
.
WHERE THE MONEY GOES…
As we spend all our own money on drugs, hookers and court fees we want the money raised by Long Live The Animals to be put to good use, not that drugs and hookers aren’t a wise investment though, supporting your local industries inert.
.
– SOLO/COLAB PRODUCER EP’S; Because there is next to no money to be made from the sale of these we encourage our producers to put them out for free in the hope they will be good for promoting both us and them, gaining them more gigs and hopefully some money from bookings. If a producer EP is for sale or on a donation basis then the money is split 50/50 between us and them. We aren’t talking much though and it is the producers choice how much they sell their work for. Our cut will just sit in a pot and be used to buy about three chomps and a can of iron brew because that is about how much they bring in.
.
– COMPILATION ALBUMS; These will be done for various causes, Different albums will have money donated to different causes to be made clear within the release write-up and often the album name. These do actually sell, mainly because we can get lots of producers involved and its for a good cause. So far we have built up one such series (more will follow) called “JUNGLE4JUNGLE” where we put out albums of jungle (and the likes) to raise money for the Rainforest Conservation Fund. At time of writing we have put out three in the series (J4J001, J4J002 AND J4JTEK EP.) with a fourth (J4J 003) in production. We will be doing more compilations for more causes as time goes on so watch this space (or our soundcloud) for info on that.
.
– MONEY FROM CLOTHING; We do sell clothes, but the revenue is tiny. This money goes into Drake Mallards bank account and is spent on weed. If in the future we start selling loads then money will be invested into llta related activities, but until then it’s a £20 bag every two months.
.
– MONEY FROM CLUBNIGHTS; This can vary. We do nights for causes, like our “KILL A FRACK HEAD” night to raise money for the anti-fracking movement. however some nights will see money used to build Long Live The Animals and allow us to become bigger and ultimately do more. Building a soundsystem and pressing vinyl, making stickers and printing our own clothes (all things we will be doing in “futureland”) all costs money and needs to come from somewhere, yes we are using our own pockets but that still isn’t enough!!
It should be pretty obvious from the write up of a night weather or not it is a benafit gig for charity/cause (and what one) or weather it’s for the llta pot.
.
– MONEY FROM RIG/EQUIPMENT HIRE; This will be used to get us more equipment and reward those who have invested in the equipment we are hiring. This doesn’t mean much ’till we have a rig to hire people but yeah, that’s how that should pan out.
.
– MONEY FOR BOOKINGS; On the off-chance that someone offers us money for a booking, this money will go to those booked so they can continue the hard work of taking drugs and making music. We are however willing to play charity events for little to nothing (depending on what producers you want and how they feel about it).
.
The bottom line is not all our money goes to charity, it should be made clear what is going where as and when it happens. some will be used so that we can continue to do what we do and expand and be able to do more. If you have any questions please write them on some paper, put the paper in a bottle with petrol in it. set fire to the paper and deliver directly to your local police station.
.
LLTA CODE OF ETHICS (TO FOLLOW… LATER, WHEN I HAVE TIME TO WRITE IT)